May is Mental Health Awareness Month and I want to talk about my anxiety openly in hopes that by doing so breaks the stigma associated with mental health disorders. It’s more important than ever to prioritize mental health during COVID-19 and to know that it’s okay to not be okay sometimes. How am I coping with my anxiety at the moment? In short, I think I’m doing the best I can.
I’ll start by giving a little background on my mental health. I’ve always been anxious. But I didn’t realize I had anxiety until later in life. When I was a little girl, social events with people I didn’t know well enough made me uncomfortable. I hated saying hi to aunties and uncles I didn’t know. I remember crying hysterically during my first week in kindergarten. However, making friends was never hard for me, in fact, I was very extroverted back in the day (we’ll get to that in a sec).
There were many reasons why I didn’t know I had anxiety back then. One, it wasn’t something people or the media talked about. Two, I had ways to cope with it through art. My mom put me in art classes at a super young age. I spent my Saturdays for 4 years in art class sketching and painting. I also loved acting, dancing, and writing. My mom still teases me to this day about the inner monologues I had with myself. I would reenact scripts from my favorite movies in my room. Note: I’m an only child, okay? I had to entertain myself somehow. I was a hit in my 5th-grade talent show with my self-choreographed dance number, wearing an embarrassingly inappropriate crop top and flared pants. Performance art broke barriers for me. I wasn’t shy on stage or behind a canvas; I was alive.
Some time between the ages of 12-15 was the first turning point for me in my mental health. I’ll be honest, certain memories in this time period were foggy. It wasn’t until therapy in my late-20s that I was able to resurface things I hadn’t processed. Puberty was a factor (that bitch). There was also volatile and angry energy from an adult close to me that changed how I dealt with stress. Therapy taught me that. My motivation was gone – I became disinterested in school and my grades suffered. I wasn’t active in performing arts programs anymore. It was also during that time when the recession hit and obliterated hundreds of jobs. I moved a couple of times during the recession and had to try and make new friends. Those series of events were a turning point where I started to recognize a shift in my mental health.
The Importance of Therapy
There were a few more turning points in my life that have altered or increased my anxiety. I had my first panic attack when I was 19 and so on. But I am now in a phase I like to call “maintenance”. I can’t stress enough the importance of therapy and how much it has helped me. Being a super self-aware person, I never thought of going to therapy because what could someone possibly tell me that I don’t already know? But the more I moved up in my career, the more that my panic attacks increased and I wasn’t getting better. I began to deal with it by isolating myself in the safety of my own home, but that wasn’t healthy. So early last year, I decided to carve some space into my budget to go to therapy.
Note: It's so sad that people literally have to be able to afford mental healthcare in order to get the help they need. This is not just a problem in the U.S., it's a global issue that needs to be addressed.
I mentioned earlier that therapy resurfaced many things for me, but it also helped me to understand myself in a deeper way. I’m a people-pleaser and I don’t like to rock the boat. Therapy helped me understand why I avoid conflict. I am also classified as an introvert with extroverted tendencies (INFJ, BABY). This means I can still fool you into thinking I’m hella fun and outgoing, but I’m going need my space to be alone in the next few hours. I don’t go to therapy regularly anymore. I dealt with my shit enough to a point where I feel equipped and confident in maintaining my anxiety.
Anxiety During the Pandemic
Isolation is hard on a lot of people and with stay-home orders, many are dealing with their mental health. I imagine some people who probably never had depression or anxiety are finding themselves in unfamiliar territory. If anyone takes anything away from this long ass trip down my anxiety history, it’s that you are allowed to feel the way you feel right now.
Here are ways that I’m coping with my anxiety during the Coronavirus pandemic:
Another Note: I want to preface by saying that I'm incredibly lucky that I still have a job to report to, unlike most people who are now unemployed due to the pandemic. I have a lot of close people in my circle who have lost their jobs or are furloughed so I sympathize and am aware of how fortunate I am.
Acknowledging the Anxiety
The erratic mood swings, irritability, overthinking, shortness of breath: these are my tells when my anxiety comes around. I have learned to acknowledge my anxiety as soon as I know it’s coming, just as I would when I start to feel cramps before my period. I used to try and make my symptoms go away in hopes of preventing my anxiety from showing up. What I found was that trying to pretend it’s not there only makes it worse later on. Acknowledge it, accept that the anxiety is there, and move along.
Not Trying to Fix It Right Away
Often times there really is no way to “fix” anxiety. I would do yoga, work out really hard, put on a breathing meditation exercise. Like most people, I have episodes when the more I try and find remedies for it, the more my symptoms worsen. I used to think the reason I wanted my anxiety to go away immediately was that I felt uncomfortable. But it was actually because I felt like I was inconveniencing other people, or I was the source of their discomfort. Silly, isn’t it? Just because you have anxiety does not mean it is your job to make it disappear right away.
Turning to Creative Outlets
When stay-home orders were placed, I literally thought, “This is right up my alley. Piece of cake.” I love being at home. And at a moment in society when everything feels volatile and no one is sure about the future, I found a lot of peace in dealing with it in stride. I went back to the basics; during my free time after work, I film videos and write. I brought back my blog and have been posting silly videos on YouTube. The creative work fills my time. It’s the same therapy I found in art when I was little.
But listen, I don’t want this to be mistaken as a guilt trip that someone isn’t being productive or doing something meaningful with their lives during this quarantine. We all process stressful situations differently and being productive makes me feel valuable and in control. So find an outlet that makes you feel valuable. Whether that’s reading, music, fitness, gaming, and so on, do what will help alleviate the anxiety of the unknown.
Going For a Walk
I started to go on long daily walks, partly thanks to Brian. Having creative projects was a nice escape, but my anxiety still crept up. By Week Whatever-It-Was, I was having a meltdown. My introverted self didn’t like being at home so much anymore. Reports of anti-Asian xenophobia were escalating my anxiety. I was over it. I started joining Brian on his afternoon strolls with Lyla after I was done with work. We talk, we play with Lyla, and we discover hidden gems in our neighborhood that we would never find by driving through. Whenever we come home from our walks, I feel instantly better like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Talk to Someone About It
I used to never talk about my mental health. Part of it was because I didn’t know my symptoms well enough to know what they were. I also didn’t want to burden people with an issue I thought I didn’t have the right to deal with. It didn’t seem fair for me to “complain” about my anxiety when there are people starving in this world.
For a long time, I didn’t talk to Brian about my anxiety or let him know when I was feeling an episode coming. When stay-home orders were initiated, I started to make a conscious effort to communicate with him when I was feeling anxious, and when he needed to leave me alone. As much as he irritates the shit out of me, I’m thankful I have him through this quarantine. For those who are living alone, call a friend or family member. Chances are, they probably need someone to talk to, too.
I hope you all know that you’re not alone. Don’t be hard on yourself if you feel out of place.
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